I’ve never really been one to put value on fame. I guess I was the kid who always said, “No, I don’t really want to be famous; seems like a hassle.” But I’ve found that recently, I’ve begun putting a lot of value into internet fame, which really does seem silly.
I think part of the reason is that “Internet Famous” is something I can actually be. I’ve never felt particularly pretty, so always stood in the way for regular fame. But when I’m on the internet, I’m behind a screen. Nobody has to see what I look like. Plus, I feel like I have interesting things to say. I think I’m funny sometimes. So people might actually want to watch and read the things I do on the internet. I mean, people with big followings on the internet, they always talk about how they’re just “Regular People” like “Everybody Else”. Well, I’m a regular person! So can’t I be famous, too!?
But I really do idolize these people like Vondell Swain and Tom Milsom, even though I know I really shouldn’t. And I shouldn’t want to have their level of popularity, either, because it does kind of seem like a pain. And I shouldn’t feel like I need to have their popularity either, because regardless of how many people see it, what I make is what I make. But it doesn’t feel like that. I want to validate my work, and having a large audience, maybe that would feel like validation.
Although actually, I suppose it isn’t even really about numbers; it’s more about the devotion of people who read my things? That sounds awful, but this whole thing really sounds awful, so I guess I’ll continue. I think that what I really want is for people to tell me that they like my things, and mean it. People who I don’t know. People who don’t feel obligated to compliment me. That’s what I want.
Maybe I just have to work harder to get that, to get to a level of talent where I’m complimented by strangers.
Anyways, this whole post is turning into a demonstration of how fucked up I really am. How self-absorbed.
And they say you only show your best features on the internet! Look again, people. Look. Again.