Category Archives: Personal Things

BEDA 19 – Trigger Warning: Typical Teenaged Angst and Ducks

I don’t feel like writing. I pretty specifically feel like not writing, curling up under the covers with a cup of hot chocolate and an episode of Veronica Mars. I also pretty specifically feel like not studying for my history exam. But! I do have all of my history lecture notes now. In penance for classmates’ notes, I sent them a photo of a duck wearing a hat. Such a good photo. Oh man, that photo made my week when I first saw it.

My head has hurt all day. I took an advil (actually I took two) but nothing changed. I feel sick. I’m tired. I had really good leftovers for dinner. I’m broke.

I don’t have a job for the summer and I don’t know what to do.

Here’s that duck pic



Today, we cleaned.

We vacuumed the carpets, we mopped the tile floors, we washed the dishes, we threw out the piles of garbage, we scrubbed away pictures of penises from our table, and we scraped mould off the countertops. (None of that is by any means an exaggeration, by the way.)

It’s weird, having the apartment clean. My bedroom is always tidy, and is usually clean, but the living room, bathroom, and kitchen are always completely disgusting. Uninhabitable. Vile. And this evening, they’re not.

The four of us worked for an hour (the most time we’ve all spent together since moving in) and our apartment came out as well as it possibly could. It’s an Easter miracle!

It’s funny, this is probably the most I’ve ever talked to Cole, even though we’ve lived together for months now. I feel like I got to know all of the other roommates pretty well, but not him. Literally all I know about him is that he’s in business, he’s approximately my age, he’s gay, and he grew up near the border. Also I know his first name. I’m thinking he might work for CSIS? (For all of you American folk, that’s like the Canadian CIA. Except that instead of doing Serious Crime Stuff they mostly accompany the Queen on her flights to and from Canada. As far as I’m aware.)

So it was kind of an odd experience today, all of us (save for Cameron, who went home because he had no exams) working together.

It was kind of nice. I wish we’d done it more often.

BEDA 13 – Memories

Today was the last day of classes. The last day of my first year of university. The last day of learning this year. Now, for the next two weeks, I have to focus on re-learning.

It’s weird to think that my first year is coming to an end. It hardly feels like any time has passed at all. I can still remember the day I moved in here with extreme clarity. I remember waiting in line, waiting to move my stuff in. I remember the crowded elevator ride up to the ninth floor.

I remember meeting my roommate, Christine, for the first time. I remember her telling me that we were the only girls in the apartment. I remember being excited, but nervous, to live with guys that weren’t my dad for the first time in my life.

I remember being scared of Cameron and Grant because they were older and cooler and Y-chromosomier. I remember becoming friends with Cameron quickly. I remember becoming friends with Grant far more slowly. I remember the nights I stayed up talking with Grant.

I remember Dustinwhoweneverseebecausehesamechanicalengineer. I remember calling him Dennis. I remember when he dropped out, moved out, missed out on the spectacular April Fools’ Day prank we had planned for him.

I remember that Wednesday night in the middle of winter, when Christine’s ex-boyfriend was over, and Grant and I got drunk on cheap wine, and he took us to the rooftop of a condo with the most spectacular view. I remember the clarity of that night. I remember feeling like I was a part of something.

I remember all those nights I stayed up with panic attacks. Sure I was going to die or fail or live a sad, lonely, unfulfilled life. I remember feeling like I was nothing. Like I was useless and lazy and a failure. Like I didn’t deserve to be here, at the best journalism program in the country.

On that note, I remember having a panic attack at Occupy Toronto. I remember feeling like I’d never be a good journalist. Like I was going to waste thousands of dollars. Like I’d already wasted thousands of dollars. Like I was a fraud. Like I was going to be miserable for the next four years.

I remember going to court for the first time. I remember feeling like a real journalist there. I remember being totally satisfied with the second court story I handed in. I remember feeling totally satisfied with the meagre 76 I got on that story, because I worked hard for that 76. I remember thinking that in high school, I wasn’t satisfied with a 98.

I don’t remember getting smarter. But I notice it in myself now. I can think about things more complexly.

I remember becoming more interested in science. In how the world works, and why. I remember thinking about things more philosophically than I have before.

I remember mistakes I’ve made. Mistakes I don’t want to remember, even. I remember being stupid, and I remember being exactly the kind of person I hate. But only for that one night.

I remember walking to Sharon’s in the middle of the night, scared because it was dark and late and the Big City, but excited, because I’d get to see Sharon. I remember talking with her and crying with her and laughing with her, and becoming closer to her than I ever had been before.

I remember growing.

BEDA 11 – The Fact that my awesome friend Sam is here

I asked what to write about. I was thinking out loud. I didn’t expect an answer. I expected to sit for five more minutes until I figured out something to say.

But I got an answer. And an enthusiastic one! “The fact that your awesome friend Sam is here!” And here we are now.

I have a 10:10 deadline tomorrow morning which I’m desperately trying to meet. I’ll meet it. I haven’t been late yet. But anyways! Sam!

So Sam and I met when we were 12. I hated her. Because when I was 12, I was stupid. Also jealous because she’s, like, crazy-smart in a way that I’ll never quite be. I’m smart, but I’m a different kind of smart.

So anyways, I had a secret loathing for her for about six months. And then, as my brain started rationalizing, I came to like her. And as I became more of myself, more of who I am today, I came to love her.

Sam helped me through a lot of hard times. (She caused some, too, but so did I, for her.) She was there when I was in some of the deepest bits of my depression, which can’t have been easy. I really appreciate that.

And now she has pink hair. Which is pretty great. Here’s an anecdote (the climax of which has already been spoiled for you.) One night, lo eleven o’clock, Sam decided she wanted purple hair. And she went to Shoppers Drug Mart, and she bought hair dye. And so, she dyed her hair, as I chatted with her on Skype. She bleached it, and looked ridiculous. (Sam should never go blond.) And then she put the dye in, and looked like a total badass. And to this day, as much as a week later, looks way cooler than I, and consequently gets hit on way more often than I.

It turned out more pink than purple, though. But still, a badass pink. A hard-core, “Eat it, Barbie!” kind of pink. An “I’m not scared to be girly or punk!” kind of pink. A “So what if I display hipster-like qualities!?” kind of pink.

And that, friends, is Sam.

BEDA 8 – Easter

This year, instead of chocolate, the Easter Bunny brought me wine. I’m growin’ up, kids.

My family has always spent Easter with family friends. Either they come to our place, or we go to theirs in Waterloo. This year (unlike last year when I was in Italy) was no exception.

We made the ham. My parents bought an expensive one, which I guess translate to having hair on it? I don’t know. It was gross, though. We ended up shaving the ham’s hairy ass. It was good, though, once the hair was gone. I glazed it with a combination of apricot jam, mustard, brown sugar, and a few cloves. Then, halfway through the cooking process, we doused it in maple syrup. It was pretty great.

Barb, our family friend, also made corn, scalloped potatoes, and a salad. All in all, a great meal. Also apple pie for dessert.

I think that’s really all I have to say today, because I’m pretty tired and want to sleep. (Even though it’s super early).

BEDA 6 – On Hiking

I messed up. It’s 12:30. But I haven’t slept yet, so it’s definitely still the sixth day of April! We’ve got this! I won’t fail!

Anyways, today my parents and I went on a really lovely hike (read: glorified walk). We went up to Cootes Paradise, which was great. It was perfect for early spring. There were these trees (cherry, I think?) with gorgeous pink blossoms, but no leaves. And the trunks were thick and worn; you could tell the trees were old. It really felt like springtime, even though none of the trees or bushes had leaves yet.

One thing that I really dislike about living in Toronto is that hiking is less possible. Great paths aren’t as accessible there as they are here (although I plan on going over to the Don Valley before the end of school in a few weeks). I love the “urban hiking” that I do in the city, but I miss being surrounded by trees and nature and benches.

I’ve never thought of myself as outdoorsy. I’m not athletic. I’m scared of bees. I burn easily. But sometimes, you just crave a good hike. That happened to me, a few months ago. I was lying in bed at, like, 1 a.m., and I got really, really sad, because I wanted to go on a hike. I just really wanted to be in a forrest.

But anyways, Sunday I’ll be hiking again. This time in Waterloo! Plus, I have it on good authority that instead of chocolate, the Easter Bunny’s gonna be bringing me a Sephora gift card. So that’ll be nice.


And once again, I’m blogging past 11 p.m. I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to write about today (but what else is new), so this might just be a stream-of-consciousness blog. Like I’m liveblogging my brain.

I came home for the Easter weekend today. I was meant to come home at about 3, but because I was up all night last night and slept during the day, I came home at about 6 instead.

It’s good being home. Not too stressful, like it usually is. Partially, I think, because I’m ahead on my work. On that  note, the feature article is now due Thursday instead of Tuesday, which is nice. I’m still going to treat it like the deadline is Tuesday, but it’s nice to have that safety net in case I can’t get any more interviews.

I’m actually going back into the city Saturday, though, to do an interview at noon. And then, at three, there’s a Nerdfighter Gathering (which I feel like I might have already mentioned?) which I’m super excited for. I’ve never been to a gathering before, and I’m pretty pumped. I’m nervous, though, because I won’t know anyone there (unless Rachael decides to join) and that’s not usually a good thing for people with social anxiety. But I’m working on that, the social anxiety, and it’s going pretty well so far.

I went to Walmart tonight. Got some nail polishes for my mum. Also eyeliner, lip balm, and blush. Because I like makeup. Which is a post that’ll be coming soon.

Sorry this post is shit. I’m just really tired and smelly and not into blogging at the moment. And on that note, I’ll leave it here, at 265 words.